i mailed myself a glitter bomb

the special bomb brigade
has been working for hours
to diffuse the situation
time is tic tic ticking
but there is no red cable

i need this
one last bang before i go
before i join the dead
look!
a shower of flying colours
and blood

and there is no beer

imagine the opposite of where you want to be
there you are
between a hard place and the execution wall
but not the daughter of the czar
hopscotch
in the minefield
what good is a leg
when your head is ill
at war with every bordering nation
have been ever since creation
but twenty enemies cannot kill
what you have already willed
empty

i'll make lemonade out of it

i can't stay
i seek thrills
i get bored
a new thing
to make me
stay but me
i'm intense
i need a hit
to integrate
i'm going
away love
i want to
feel sate
i cannot
just say
love

i'm your teenage fallout queen

the prypyat ferris wheel
is a hot spot for making out
but i sit alone and contemplate
drowning in toxic doubt

later you'll find me
riding the emotional roller coaster
five times in a row
then puking on a trash can
but i just won't quit

i hear the cries of
a malformed baby
inside of me
oh, it
won't
quit

i don't feel anything until i smash it up

break up
break down
break me
break in
break away
break you

68 plus 128 equals 1 hour of self hate

monday morning
my eyes won't open
and i regret everything
i did and said last week
my bones ache from grinding
i wait for the bus in the cold
april is the cruelest month
behind my swollen eyes
the tears hide
imprisioned
by pride

the divorce

the autopsy revealed
my charred heart:

your bitter ill will
set me as the mark
you'd tried to fix your mind
by jamming me inside
and when it didn't work
well the blame was mine

there was no last talk
last love last fuck
no cake for you sir
no we can't talk
there's no remedy
if there's fault
to be had

i'm not that kind of girl

what does it mean
you love me
you don't even know me
explain this to me
i can't seem to grasp
i'm becoming blind
how can you
i don't
i can't
i

i keep talking
inane things
so the bad
stays in

what do you mean
you love me
why would you?

i said i love you by mistake

can we be happy together?
mishaps and laughing all the time
sassying each other tenderly
i'd look at you and see
not what i need
but what
i choose

dear diary

here we go again
reopening an old wound
fourth grade all over again
falling down on the same spot
and being so fucking proud of the scar
i'll deal with this the same way i always do
ignoring it until it gets tired of me
it worked with my father, my ex, my life
i imagine it will work until i die


i can't decide
be righteous or live a normal life
should i forgive myself
or educate you
should i regret my actions
or take advantage of me

because
every girl learns how to play dumb to be cute
every girl learns how to sell herself well
every girl learns that boys only care if she's free
every girl learns she can't just give in

but
i was never gonna be the girl who did ballet
i wanted to feel powerful not graceful so i did boxing instead
i was never gonna be the girl you wanted
i have two left hands and like to be messed up

and yet
i suck the marrow of the bone
while i sell myself for a second of fun
just put it all in a box inside yourself
and bury it underground...

entertain us

a boy in a leather jacket
speeds by on a motorcycle
and leaves behind a doubt
about freedom and dying
he saws the space in half
so you bleed on the floor

she's not a girl who misses much

happiness is a nice dildo
yes it comes from inside
but you have to put it there

happiness is a warm gun
if by gun you mean
a vibrator on max speed

happiness is good cock
even if they give it to you good
you'd still have to know how to take it

φέρειν φόνον

mum
autumn has come
and i must return
to where there is no sun

mum
the chthonic horses run
with the souls of my loved ones
in the underworld they will roam

mum
my reign has begun
eating punica granatum
by the fields of elysium


mum
aeneas with the golden bough
may see me in my throne
with cerberus my loyal hound

mum
i am she who brings destruction

wigs on a pig don't make it an eagle

cold pizza by the kitchen sink
a mug of lukewarm black tea
i can't be bothered to heat up
wearing ratty grimy pajamas
and avoiding responsibilities

tomorrow
tomorrow i'll put all your things in a bag
and deliver them to your house
and punch you in the face
and cry all the way home
tomorrow

stress cooking muffins at 3 am
inventing new things to delay
a lump making me suffocate
descends from my gullet
and oppresses my chest

i'm uncertain even about how to end this poem

need to be free
and to feel owned
try to set boundaries
push them on my own
think for days
act on impulse
neither win
nor lose
nor empty
or full

nor hot

or cold

erratic?

capricious?

mercurial?

inconsistent?

INSUFFICIENT DATA

FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER

i ignored your texts cause they bore me to death

it's not a game if no one wins
we're both losers, always been

oh no
another sad boy wants me
to save him and heal him
care for him like a mother
honey i can't with myself
and i've no interest in you

it's not a game if i quit
i've quit a long time ago

eating itself and healing itself

a snake, recoiling,
twisting into itself
a gordian knot

earthbound,it wants to fly
but it has to let itself
be captured by the eagle

a cigarette would help
a cigarette would go a long way
to coughing blood

the snake
it wants to jump
but i will end like icarus

every night about eleven o clock

seven days a week
seven days a week
i dream about death
downright pathetic
it's past prophetic
not even poetic
but i worry

seven days a week
seven days a week
i dream about death
stumbling fumbling
vomiting epilectic
episodes of death
grandfathers and
lovers all fallen
except me

maybe it's my ex maybe it's my mum maybe i'm fucked up

you kept trying to figure me out
shooting then measuring my pout
(they always do)
i've kept you guessing out of pride
or maybe i couldn't say it outright
(i always do)

i'm ashamed to unravel my mind
hid long enough under thick hide
it seems absurd to ever confess
reveal this shameful ugly mess
(it always does)

you guessed wrong everytime
were you enchanted by my lie?
(they always do)
but eventually i will spill
and make this all very ill
(i always do)

i'm afraid i'm not deep enough

there must be something wrong with me
because i get butterflies in my stomach
not thinking about your smile or jokes
but about your cock or your dirty talk
because my chest gets suddenly tight
when i recall you beating me hard
and wish you had made me cry
i have always been like this
feelings only when high
i want to be in love
not just in lust

could you turn me off please?

it's eight in the fucking morning and i want hash browns
i've been trying to sleep but i'm too high
i hope when i wake up
i don't remember what i did tonight
i keep trying to sleep and being too high
it's a constant
when everything else
is uncertain

back to the last scene
i was feeling horny, so horny
i was about to touch myself in public
so i decided if no one was gonna fuck me
then i was gonna fuck the band
went around asking where the party was
somebody told me but i didn't hear
i hit on everyone
not picky

but right now
i'll go to sleep when i can't stand up
so i'll take a while baby
you sleep if you want
i can't waste this beer
i need a ciggie

i need
i don't know

i'm miss jane austen the sad spinster

i am pride
you are prejudice
through and through
yet we cannot breach
our flaws
we remain
asunder

when i'm low i get high

i'm this lana del rey daddy kink song
amy winehouse overdose waiting to happen

i'm enjoying the ride
on the mechanical bull
of this hole in the wall

if you think music is a cruel mistress
then you've been to the wrong, wrong bed

to be my sugar daddy you just have to buy me beer

spoiled
spoiled rotten
rotten

knowledge is power
power is fear
fear is knowing
you have power
over me