Sorrow

Guess what? I did it again. Not in a sexy schoolgirl way, like Britney Spears, no.
How I keep making the same mistakes is a monument to idiocy. Seems as if I waited for my happiest moments to sabotage myself. Can't stand your own happiness. What a pussy.

Well, not really. We know that is not true. I don't even have my own deviations to blame. No twisted mind comes into play. Truth is, I'm just plain dumb. Can't foresee or even understand that in front of me. I act out of impulse because logic is a mystery to me. Again, a monument to idiocy, mediocrity. And I know it will stay that way.

scream

Goes home feeling unpolluted for the first time in a long while,
yet there's a sour aftertaste in the mouth,
a cold feeling in the base of the stomach,
something revolving down there.

Values clarity over all,
humor that triggers laughs,
adaptability constructed towards
evolution.

Asks herself to stop confabulating,
"this self-fulfilling prophecy
will be the death of me",
a self-preservation instinct
that does not preserve
anything.

i'll never sail the seas for your love

You want me to put up a good fight,
I want to suffer and recoil in my own corner,
you praise and kiss me, feed me with compliments,
even apologize when I pretend to be butt hurt,
I'll grow fat and boring, you'll see, a spoiled lazy pig,
you're way too good,
you have to go.

I deserve to be alone, Columbine in her throne,
I'll never learn. You need a memory to learn.
Please don't make me do this, don't,
loneliness is a constant ache,
something I can trust,

yes, I'm just a coward
scared of the unknown.

coat your knife with medicine and thrust into me, a wound can heal but only the dead can be reborn

you are the shell of a psycho, i seen it in your eyes and i knew without knowing. a killing smile, 

i want to belong to you so you can kiss me while you choke me and use me as you like

but you are also a nice care bear, you look like jesus, you make me write my stupid poetry again

i think about you all the time, oh god i hope i could say this things to you, i love honesty, but-

maybe i shouldn't, anything

i drown in insecurities, my head explodes, i wish i could just shut up, this is no good, nothing is good enough when you are the one who can bring me silence

this dependence-

i want safety, i'm so scared, all this terrible thoughts and sometimes the voices, the sensations make me spasm, sometimes i can't control my body

you'll get tired of me

everyone does, i did too

fuck this shit

i want to be treated nicely and cartoons of me as little animals and all those fucking things-

there is this constant knot of fear around my neck, a threat that keeps me still, i can never accept such-

i keep meaning to tell you how i've never felt this good, how no one ever really cared, but what if you don't really care
and think i'm stupid, 'cause i'm stupid, but what if it makes you go away, it'll make you go away

i never thought i would feel this way, no matter how cliche that is, it is isn't it

oh well

coat your knife with medicine, wound me and heal me and numb me at last